When we think about relationships, first of all we think about romance and pleasure. Unfortunately, quite often relationship may have nothing to do with love and pleasure at all. Sometimes it is more about nerves and planning incredible first date. In certain cases it can be more connected with abuse and humiliation, both verbal and physical. The funniest point is that one of the partners often turns out to be the reason for such a toxic kind of relationships, and quite often it’s not the abuser, but the victim him/herself. So, how we allow becoming the victim of our own romantic relationship?
Allowing an Abuser to Drive
In toxic relationship, a victim always prefer to sit on the backseat allowing an abuser to drive. Victims are disallowed, but often disallow themselves to make any decisions. Thus, all the decision-making is done by the abuser.
Despite being unable to make any decision, victims tend to take all the blame. The abuser will never admit that he or she has failed in something, and if you lay it bare in front of him or her, the most likely reaction would be aggression towards you. As a result, victim feels guilty and ashamed, despite the total lack of rhyme or reason to it.
Treating Yourself as a Loser
Potential victims often feel themselves as the weaker ones and losers. The biggest mistake that they can make is to open up about their weakness to their partners. While it is the most logical thing to do – as why on Earth would you be involved with someone, if you can’t be open with him or her? -, the abusive partner will use your weakness in order to humiliate you.
Accepting the Junkyard Role
The abuser prefers to not notice his or her own disadvantages and flaws, instead he or she will make it look like a victim has those flaws. This is possible when victim accepts the role of the junkyard of the flaws for the abuser.
The abuser refuses to see the real persona of the victim, thus creates his own version of the victim’s personality, which has all of his or her disadvantages and flaws.
Why We Become Victims?
The very first step to take the role of the victim in the relationships is being inexperienced. When we had little or no experience in romantic relationships, we may get unlucky to meet an abuser and consider such kind of a relationship quite normal, because we simply haven’t experienced anything else.
Subconscious Desire to Victimize Ourselves
One thing is to be inexperienced, and another thing is when we constantly return to the same kind of abusive relationships. This is a more serious problem, as the reason lies in the subconscious desire to constantly victimize ourselves. Either you admit it and stop complaining about being in abusive relationship, because that is what you want, or break the pattern after acknowledging the problem.
What to Do?
The best way to solve this problem is to visit a shrink, who may give you a good advice on the issue, but there are few alternative variants. Trust me, there is a way out. Why not to try open relationship, for example? When you feel yourself victimized, ask yourself whether you are okay with that. If not, forget about your fear, disallow your partner from making decisions for you, and don’t take blame for something you haven’t done.